you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
