I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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