You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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