someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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