Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize