I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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