New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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