Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Someone shit on the floor
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
