I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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