You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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