your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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