This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I AM VODKA MAN
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
