there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
