If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
