APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
