i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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