Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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