this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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