I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
