laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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