on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
