Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
