My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
