he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
