there's paper in my vomit.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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