i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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