Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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