I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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