Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
