i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
