Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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