I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
