I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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