Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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