Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i've created a new STD.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
