Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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