Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
