what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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