1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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