Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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