Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
