Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
