I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
