I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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