Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
