; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
