I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
