Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
