you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
