Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
