I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
