Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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