I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have fence marks all over my body
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
